you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
