So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize