Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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