If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
