Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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