i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
