I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
