I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
