i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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