none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
