he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?