how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids