why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina