My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
