When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
