"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
