then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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