ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
