even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
