dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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