Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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