happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
