she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize