There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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