she looked like the bat from fern gully.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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