I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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