thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
