I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
