You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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