Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have peed in a lot of sinks
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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