No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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