how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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