Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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