sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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