I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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