Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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