i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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