I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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