What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
