Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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