The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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