God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
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We need to rekindle our bromance
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize