omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
