Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
