If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
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Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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