I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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