i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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