my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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