so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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