i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
