I accidentally burped into my bong.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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