Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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