I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
