dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
