i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
