well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
