if you like me you must not know who I am
I could make wine with my vomit
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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