woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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