i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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