i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
