I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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